what am i doing? i've become a worker bee and i was this colony's queen for years. I feel empty and boring. I do not want to define myself based on my relationships, but its really hard to escape the lonliness. I know i have a lot of friends and i know that a lot of people love me, but i find myself searching for the simplest of meaning. why am i doing this? i really want to leave, to move around, to see new faces, and hear different laughs. I filled up all my time to avoid thinking about the emptyness, and i'm overflowing, but with all the wrong things.
I wish i could just move on, move out, move backwards. undo, forget, not care. the ghosts that haunt my house have taken up new residency in my dreams, i know that this is dead but i can see it while i sleep. The bad dream grenade goes off and for the first time i wish you weren't in my bed. what's real and what's fake. i wake up scratching my limbs, tearing the bark off my tree trunk.
i'm getting really bored of staying inside all day, lets go on an adventure.
1 comment:
so much of what you write here resonates in me. feeling constant change doesn't allow us to experience depth. growing horizontally, vertically, and throughout all of Z takes opening hearts, minds, and patience. i want to feel closer and deeper all the time. it's all running away from me and my best energy exists in the ideas or paths i'm setting forth but in the moments of action, i cannot experience the joy of reflection or the magnitude of action's impact. this all leads to questions of self and wanting to feel what we are/who we are when all else is stripped away - what if we had no responsibilities and could play freely in the world? most of us are little if nothing without work/friends/family/activities. practice tradition and keep on keepin on. growing wild flowers and berries for the world and strong roots where no one can see. you have this potentially kinetic thing and know it's really all about laughing anyway. fight the ghosts in the dark by living so fierce they are forgotten. but never forget how fucking awesome that cake was!
love, jesse
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